I woke up this morning with the smile on my face, feeling positive and surprisingly refreshed from my not so long sleep (thanks, insomnia). The weather was simply amazing, the sun was shining bright, warming up the beautiful autumnal colors of the leaves that are falling from the trees and are painting the streets orange and yellow. I dedicated some time to plan and figure out some ideas for my online content. I drank a coffee leaving my window open on purpose, to let in that amazing chilly and slightly biting air for a while. I hanged out with some friends: a long walk, laughter, photos, food. Could have been a perfect day… if the biggest ghost I’ve always had to deal with in my entire life wouldn’t have come to visit me. As usual, it comes unexpectedly but gradually, sneaking in like only the pros do. It starts as a bittersweet sensation and then leaves me with a huge weight on my chest that I can only get rid of if I cry. It’s not the end of the world, we all have those days, but when they come it really sucks. And even if I’ve been there many times in the past, that ghost still makes me feel miserable all the time: FEAR.
Fear of not belonging to any place; fear of changes; fear of decisions; fear of still not having figured out what to do with my life; fear of having the wrong ideas and projects in mind; fear of even thinking of sharing those projects with friends and the rest of the world; fear of being judged and considered a ridiculous loser because of those projects; fear of failure; fear of not being able to keep up with all the things I want to do; fear of being alone; fear of regretting all, someday; fear of leaving this place and, at the same time, fear of not being able to go back to Berlin, ever; fear of not letting things go and of not being able to enjoy and embrace the moment; fear of growing up, still. And (cherry on top of the cake), Fear brings along its friend, Guilt. For still letting myself feeling so miserable after all I’ve been through and after all I’ve learned during my black years and since I moved abroad as well. I still punish myself for this and for what I’ve done, I still feel guilty.
And somehow this gives me so much pressure that it hurts. It really hurts. And all I wish I could do in those moments is getting rid of all the (few) things I own and walk away.
Soundtrack: Coldplay – see you soon